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Community Disconnector On a roll The great man was taken with a small item that appeared on the BBC's website reporting that "unofficial" Chelsea FC toilet paper had been found on sale in the central Asian republic of Uzbekistan. Now, Disconnector is no authority on the culture of that part of the world: maybe putting an image on something and then wiping your bottom with it is the highest form of respect. But it seems doubtful. More likely it was set up by a disgruntled Spurs fan. Either way, Disconnector thinks the Uzbeks may have inadvertently stumbled on to the next big thing after viral marketing. Putting an advertising message on toilet paper has got to be a winner, right? You have a captive audience and a truly impressive demographic – everyone – many of whom will have time on their hands and may appreciate something to read. At the very least, water companies could use the space to place appropriate messages about saving water, such as "Is this flush really necessary?" Most of the time the answer's going to be a resounding yes, of course, but even so. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. House parties Some companies may baulk at putting their company logo on toilet paper, of course. They may think it's beneath their dignity. That doesn't seem to present much of a problem to the great Top Tweets and the good who inhabit the Palace of Westminster. They have just authorised the bean counters running the place to hire out historic rooms in Parliament for private functions such as business meetings and weddings. Not everyone is behind the idea. Tory MP Robert Halfon, for instance, said there was a "danger of making Parliament a theme park". That should be the least of his worries, thinks Disconnector. Weddings invariably involve the coming together of different tribes with little in common except that they've consumed too much alcohol. The result is invariably tears, or even fisticuffs, and at the very least an ill-advised conga. Come to think of it, any one of those might make the House of Commons better to watch on telly. As you were, then. I'm on the telly! Being on telly is seen as something of a holy grail for many people. It's not just teenagers wailing on talent shows or desperate celebs eating slugs in the jungle. Companies, too, want people to see the "real them", which can be a double-edged sword because you're at the mercy of the production company. United Utilities is the latest utility to take the spotlight. It has signed up with Mentorn Media to be the subject of a six-part documentary looking at all aspects of the business of water provision, "from sewermen to call centre". It has the working title Watermen and is destined for BBC Two, so Disconnector hopes UU has better luck than the inhabitants of a blighted Birmingham street who signed up to a Channel 4 documentary "examining the plight of the poor". The result? Benefits Street. River of blood? With torrential rain and nearhurricane force winds battering the country off and on for a couple of months now, you could be forgiven for thinking that we're living through apocalyptic times. As did Pep Finn-Scinaldi, a rambler who was walking through the Thorplands area in Northamptonshire when he came across a blood red river. Pep told the Northampton Chronicle that he was quite spooked by the sight and at first thought a wild animal had died and turned the waterway red with its blood, except that there was so much that "it could only have come from a whale". A joint investigation by Anglian Water and the Environment Agency identified the source of the contamination as a spillage of red ink upstream, which luckily was non-toxic. Apparently there was a similar incident in Slovakia last year, although in that case the locals suspected the cause was the "mass slaughter of virgins". Sounds like a wild guess to Disconnector. Either that or the locals decided to have some fun with the reporter sent to cover the story. Editor: Ellen Bennett, t: 01342 332084, e: ellen.bennett@fav-house.com; Energy editor: Megan Darby, t: 01342 332087, e: megan.darby@fav-house.com; Features editor: Karma Ockenden, t: 01342 332086, e: karma.ockenden@fav-house. com; Reporter: Mathew Beech, t: 01342 332082, e: mathew.beech@fav-house.com; Reporter: Conor McGlone, t: 01342 332083, e: conor.mcglone@fav-house.com; Production editor: Paul Newton, t: 01342 332085; Business development manager: Ed Roberts, t: 01342 332067, e: ed.roberts@fav-house.com; Sales executive: Nicky Shaw, t: 01342 332070, e: nicky.shaw@fav-house.com; Publisher: Amanda Barnes, e: amanda.barnes@fav-house.com. General enquiries: 01342 332000; Subscriptions: UK £577 per year, Overseas £689 per year, t: 01342 332011. ISSN: 1356-5532. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office. Printed by: Buxton Press, Palace Road, Buxton, Derbyshire SK17 6AE. Published by: Faversham House Ltd, Windsor Court, Wood Street, East Grinstead, West Sussex RH19 1UZ Opus Green @opusgreenltd The #GreenDeal needs to be more flexible for consumers and allow them to opt out of the Golden Rule #DECC Richard Hall @richonlyinname Crafty hospital pass from npower: none of its ECO work was attributed to the licences sold to Utility Warehouse Tom Greatrex MP @tomgreatrexmp Rumours that ambitious Tory MPs changing their names by deed poll to Michael Fallon in hope it will get them a government job Joe Armitage @Joe_Armitage Michael Fallon is a triple Minister. Minister of State at BIS, Minister of State at DECC and now Minister of State for Porstmouth. Epic! Tim Probert @TimProbert When I hear the words 'retail energy competition' I think of a shopping mall where all the shops sell nothing but Kellogg's Corn Flakes Greg Barker @GregBarkerMP Sad Labour deliberately confusing #GreenDeal finance plans w/ real efficiency improvements but then they are heavily invested in failure Bryony Worthington @bryworthington Big 6 in charge> "@labourenergy @EdwardDaveyMP confirms he is against Labour's plans to put a ring-fence between generators and suppliers" Emily Gosden @emilygosden Another two arrests at IGas Barton Moss shale gas drilling site...this time for threatening to kill staff, Greater Manchester Police say Callum Smith @callumrsmith DECC questions on Thursday riddled with planted Whip's questions. Depressing Narendra Makanji @NarendraMakanji Failed regulators like OFGEM, Ofcom & the rest unlikely to get much help from CABx, @WhichUK etc to create competitive markets #notconvinced Subscriptions: UK £577 per year, Overseas £689 per year fhcustomerservices@ abacusemedia.com 3,580 Average circulation Jan–Dec 2012 UTILITY WEEK | 24th - 30th January 2014 | 31